Time passes pretty quickly.
My last post was about ending 2019 and now its already halfway through 2020.
MCO definitely changed everything from my last progress.
Everything was put to halt.
I skipped the healing process, then this quarantine got me going through each chapter of it.
I found myself a really great friend.
We sync greatly despite our differences.
He came into my life at the right time when I needed someone.
I was getting better from my previous chapters because of him.
Somehow, in the beginning, he got confused for a while and he had feelings for me.
I did not reciprocate those feelings, twice.
I don't know how or when I started growing fond of him.
I didn't know what it was or maybe was afraid of admitting these feelings...
Until my friend pointed it out to me and told me I also admitted it one night when I was not sober.
I am always telling myself to get the fuck out of these bullshits.
I always end up hurting myself.
Here I am barely climbing out from a pothole, there I was diving straight into another one.
I was the one that told him I don't want anything to change between us because our friendship was great.
I don't wish to lose him.
Then I made that mistake myself.
Things were different recently for us too.
I can feel it, but he denies it.
I kinda got the answer today.
He stopped liking me gradually, he stopped putting in the effort to give me what he used to give me.
He used to give me the extra effort without me requesting it.
However, today he made sure I know that we are just friends and ensure that I got the message he no longer likes me more than just a friend.
We started arguing more lately as well, I ended up wounding myself.
My emotional well being is getting worse.
There is so much going on inside and there is no way to tone it down.
I don't know what I have become.
But these days with all these gaps, I find him getting comfortable with them.
I assume he really needs some time off of me, but he couldn't tell me.
All these things just got me thinking and thinking and thinking. Endlessly thinking.
I can't stop thinking of all the whys and hows.
Things have changed, my friendship has changed.
I am no longer getting what I used to get and today I know, I won't be getting them anymore.
I feel broken again, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I am forcing myself to back off and find myself again.
I haven't healed properly from everything and now I am putting myself into another heartbreak.
Hence, this time it's worse. Everything is coming to me all at once.
I used to go to charity events or get occupied with parties or work.
I have distractions, now I have too much time in hand. It's hard to face them head-on and endure it.
I lost all interest in doing anything, not even meeting anyone. I just want to cave in.
I don't know how to handle all of this now.
I did it to myself, again .....
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