Living nightmare

Seems like a daily update huh..

Nah I’m just here just because I got nothing better to do.

So, why not do an update of how I’m feeling today

Hold up! Please play this song before proceed to reading.

The night we met – Lord Huron (Put it on repeat)

Because this is the song I’m listening to now while typing this out.

I want you to get into the zone with me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I had my facial done today, felt so much better.

I haven’t been feeling well for one whole month.

Falling sick, recovered then falling sick again.

This process is shitty.

I’m sick right now.

Feeling really shitty and I’m dehydrating.

My lips are drying up, my mouth is drying up, my throat is paining like a bitch.

I had never drunk so much water in my life.

I kept pumping in water the whole day.

Migraine is also being a bitch to me.

Went back to how it was 3 years back.

Having my daily dose of migraine again.

Even my pain killer isn’t easing the pain these days.

Very fuck up.

Ever since I resigned, I had more time to take care of myself

Ha Ha

I finally got my hair dyed! Yay

I got the colour that I’ve always wanted

Brownish red.

This time it’s a complete SUCCESS.

Because, I finally mixed the right colour.

Very very pleased with the outcome.

I had never ever gotten the right colour for my hair. Never.

Thank god I got it right this time.

Got ma nails done too.

Very pleased with the colour collection this time.

Had my face done as well.

Next up would be my skin. Drying up a lot recently.

Been trying to balance back my hormone also.

It’s fucking up my entire body.

Gained weight like a prego.

Going in to something more personal..

My life is revolving around Y.

It’s NOT healthy, I know.

I realized that and I’m also trying to find a way to change that.

One of the reason was because I cut off too many people from my life.

I just wanna stay out of drama now.

Y is the kind of person I wanna spend my time with and all.

But I know it’s getting harder for him.

However, he has a life of his own too.

I wish we were best friends. Really.

These days I need my friends.

I want to get back on my social life.

I feel really lonely at home. Everyday facing the same four wall.

But, Y doesn’t like my social circle.

On top of that, I don’t really have many gfs around me.

Hence, it’s harder for him to accept my circle.

Which is why, I’ve been struggling these days.

Being alone, no entertainment and got no one to talk to.

I felt empty.

Oh well…

I am too playful sometimes.

When I’m in my game mode or partying mode.

That’s hell on earth.

Y would feel like slaughtering me when I get too playful with my friends.

When I annoy someone, I can annoy the shit hell of that person.

So, when all fun is gone.

I’m literally rotting…

On the other note, sometimes I like how protective he is over me 😊

I even played this game called, Best Fiends, 24/7.

I’m now in level 109?

Crazy right.

I’ve never been stuck to a game for so long.

When I’m bored and alone I play it.

Started this game in less than 2 weeks.

I even played it till 7am last night due to insomnia.

There were a few times I needed love & attention.

I went to Y.

And we always ended up arguing and I felt worse.

It has to be my luck.

Just like now.

He made me upset over something on SC.

I felt really hurt.

I thought I was over it.

But no, it relives the pain all over again.

I instantly teared up.

That’s how bad it is.

A punishment for trusting. Trusted the 2 closest person to me.

Both of them fucked me up so bad…

It has left a scar inside me.

Actually, physically as well.

The scar is fading well, now.

Literally, at that time, I was stuck in between the both of them.

And I couldn’t say anything.

So, I vent my anger at myself.

I scratched my skin until it bled.

A big wound. It was so ugly.

I was a dumbfuck.

Creating wounds over these asses.

I have to always be in fear that something like this would happen again.

Never would I thought Y would also be part of it.

I’m not saying he’s at fault or what.

But let’s just say he’s insensitive and that hurts me a lot.

Honest to god. I trust Y like no other.

I can’t trust anyone the way I trust him.

But, when it comes to the same issue again.

All of a sudden, my feelings changed.

I feel like it’s gonna happen again.

I’m still feeling the pain of what happened 2 ½ years ago just by thinking of it.

I hate him so much for this.

I needed some space after that.

I couldn’t talk to him.

I felt really disappointed.

It’s really unfair to him but that fear came back.

I’m reconsidering everything again.

I get so fucking insecure again.

I hate this feeling.

Now, I feel like I can’t even trust a single soul.

I really hate A for taking everything away from me.

I have to live with so much fear and insecurities.

My mind now, is constantly asking myself what do I really want.

Can I go on with this fear and insecurities inside.

I know I’m being stupid and selfish.

But really, it fucked me up so bad.

I’m really scared now.

I did a lot to get away from all this.

I don’t wish to get back into it.

Most of you won’t understand why I react as such and may think that it’s absurd.

Honestly, you won’t know until you feel the needle yourself.

Don’t judge one’s fear and insecurities.

You wouldn’t understand how an action can impact a person..

It was a living nightmare for me.